THE SCRIPTURES OF FREEMAN - PARABLE OF GABEN
by csacoa
Summary: Gaben is love Gaben is life


The Holy Scriptures Of Freeman

by christopher shapley

Before time itself, there was Freeman. Before the universe, there was Freeman. Before dust and rocks in space , before the stars , before the earth itself, there was Freeman. For wherever Freeman goes, creation follows.

Our story begins in 21st century AD, when humanity was at it's lowest; the people of earth were fighting, stealing and just being all around pricks to each other, all thanks to Obama. It wasn't until the battles of freeman when freeman returned to earth and gave the ultimate sacrifice that things started to turn around. But we're getting ahead of ourselves here…

One day in the local park of a small town in Algeria there was a little boy crying, he cried so hard that all the ebola fell out of his tears and he was cured, but that still didn't make him any happier. He was approached by a quaint looking man in a cloak, he had glasses and a curious but caring look on his face. "what is it , young child" asked the man in the cloak.

The child said nothing. "please, tell me why you are so upset?" said the nice man in the cloak. The child paused for a second as the events that caused his despondency were flashing before his very eyes. The boy sat down with his arms and legs crossed, his body language said he was angry, but his face showed mere sadness, "I tried" said the boy, "but they just wouldn't stop". "Who" asked the man. "I tried to get better i really did" cried the little boy. "Please, tell me what happened" said the man calmly , putting his hand on the little boys shoulder reassuringly. The boy stopped for a moment, contemplating whether he should tell or not , but he gave in.

"I was playing Counterstike: source, but there were some really skilled players on the server" the mans face sank down to his feet "they kept pwning me , i … i couldn't stop them, they called me things like "n00b" and "fag", i turned off my pc and ran away from home" then the boy started hysterically crying again. The man lifted his hood off his cloak , revealing himself to the boy (not in that way you sick fuck) . It was Lord Gaben himself and he was so wise that he could fix this little boys broken heart : "Go forth back to your home and buy Counterstrike: global offensive on Steam; it has competitive matchmaking so you'll be put in games with players of your skillset" the little boys tears vanished instantly and he jumped up off the rock he was sitting on and ran home, little did he know that when he got home he'd find that Gaben had already gifted him the Valve complete pack, so that he could enjoy CS:GO along with other timeless classics such as half life or portal.

As gaben journeyed east through the desert he came across a camel that was dehydrated and in need of water. He went up to the camel and knelt next to it, " By the power of steam i make thee 80% less heavy" after he performed the charm , he picked up the camel and gave it a piggy back ride all the way to libya.

After Gaben dropped the camel off at a nearby lake, he noticed something; the people of libya were very bitter. They still had some pent up rage about Gaddafi but they couldn't take it out on him because he was dead so there was a lot of fighting in the streets, Gaben had a brilliant idea, he found some rocks that had been put into a circle already so gaben sat cross legged in the middle of the circle, closed his eyes and prayed really hard, like really really hard and so a massive circle of interconnected tower desktops appeared around him, he downloaded the original counterstrike onto each one and modded Gaddafis face onto all the player models, then he appeared unto the Libyans and said unto them "take thee and play, until thou anger disappears for through the power of the lan party, no man shall fight IRL". Then Gaben ventured off into the desert.

As gaben journeyed east through the desert he came across a man with spots all over his face, Gaben approached this man with caution although Gaben was immune to all diseases after taking a bite from the sub of life

but Gabens fear quickly turned into pity, then curiosity "what is your affliction?" asked Gaben. "I have llama pox" explained the man "it should go away in a few days though" this wasn't enough for Gaben, he knelt down next to the man and yelled "through the power of the steam summer sale, reduce this mans itching by 80%!" The man instantly felt better and thanked freeman with a kiss on the cheek, which is apparently not weird in egypt but yeah, whatever.

As Gaben entered Egypt he was bombarded by a gang of thieves, he managed to fight them off with a combination of karate and bitch slaps but after they'd ran away Gaben noticed something…. They'd broken his glasses!

After trading some steam keys with an egyptian merchant, Gaben was given special red glasses that made him able to see in the dark.

After going sightseeing in Egypt Gaben decided to do what he came to africa to do : break into the pyramid that held the body of tutankhamun!

Gaben climbed to the top of the pyramid using his extra grip shoes got a picaxe out of his aperture sciences rucksack (which was awesome by the way) and started digging down from the top of the pyramid.

Gaben had been hitting the gym lately so it only took about half an hour to get into tutankhamun's lair . When he got in , he put on his new kick-ass nightvision glasses and started looking for the grave.

He found the grave almost instantly and broke it open with a crowbar that was painted to look like it was from half life (which was pretty fucking cool)

he blew the dust off the lifeless body in the grave and woke the body with some smooth jazz, a soft but distinctive voice came out of the half open coffin "Gabe … Gabe is that you? It's been so long!" … it was lord freeman, and he had his dick out. DUN DUN DUUUUNNNN


End file.
